I feel..

Sometimes I feel.
I don’t mean to..
Hell, most times I try not to..
But I can not help it..
When you are near me I feel..
Because you make my world spin a little faster..
Make my dreams seem a little closer..
And then I feel everything..
I feel you deep inside me…
I wish for you to take me..
To make me yours..
Slowly..All day… How ever you want..
But you don’t see me..
Don’t even know I exist..
And it hurts..
It cuts me deep..
Burns like a furnace..
Like you are flaying the skin off my bones..
But my heart doesn’t listen..
When you are around me…
I fall apart…
I can barely breathe…
I still feel too much..

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Sometimes…

Sometimes I look at your pictures..
Our pictures….
Going through each and every one of them..
I have tried to delete them.. I really have..
But that part of my heart that still belongs to you just won’t let me..
One by one..I explore them..
Investigate them..
Looking at happier times..
Seeing a time when you used to adore me..
To still need me..
To still miss me..
To look at me like I was your whole world..
A time when a day wouldn’t pass without you telling me I was yours..
Sometimes memories of us play in my head..
Over and over like a never ending reel..
Torturing my very being..
Because I know this reel will never be expanded..
Added to with new memories..
Sometimes I try to not think about you..
Because when I do I lose myself in an emotion filled tide..
I disappear into a dark abyss of utter pain..
My soul aches for you..
My heart breaks into a million pieces
My body yearns for your touch..
Sometimes….. Just sometimes…
I wish you still belonged to me…

Toxic Angst..

You are a stiff drug for me..
Toxic and acidic to my heart

Devouring me up from the inside out..

I’m in a constant fog..

Trying but failing desperately to remember my life before you..

You blind me from seeing the rest of the world..

Fueling my frantic need for you..

My dependency of you is an ache..

An ache which morphs into a physical pain..

When i’m away from you I can not bare it..

You open my rib cage and leave my soul exposed..

My core drilled and etched away..

You are my needle, my anxiety, my morphine..

You unnaturally enjoys my suffering..

Watching me sadistically and giving me a wicked smile..

Your distance brings about a state of confusion, perplexity, mystery..

A feeling of deep and utter loss..

Feelings of bereavement bring about withdrawal symptoms..

And I have no way of preventing this angst.. 

The End Is Near…

The end is upon us

I can feel it throbbing through my bones

I can see the devotion fading from your eyes

I can sense the poison of dislike pulsating through my veins

The bond we took time to build is wilting into nothingness

Forever we have tried to keep it alive, to keep the fire blazing

The more i accelerate the fire, the more you throw sand on the fire

We forever work against each other in this fight

Is it not right for us to just throw in the towel

Is our union worth the brawl

 

Short Story.. Broken.. Part 2

I grabbed her by her hair and banged her head against the door. I never thought I could do anything so violent and crazy, but love, jealousy and anger can make a person do unbelievable things. It was a huge row between my husband’s” naked girl” as I pulled, bit, kicked and hit her with anything I could lay my hands on, by the time my husband managed to pull me off the slut I had managed to scar her for life. She was crying like a new born baby and the tears were mixing with blood on her not so pretty face, she managed to crawl to her clothes and then limped as quickly as her wounds could allow her out of the bedroom. I stood there feeling disgusted as I starred at Nick. My worst nightmare had just come true in my very bed, in my house and it was gut wrenching.

I still remember the day he proposed. We got to his apartment and he had prepared a beautiful candle light dinner, very intimate and romantic on the patio, he was like my knight in shining amour whisking me away to the throne of his horse only his horse was the beautifully lit patio. The night was wonderful as we were both still high on adrenalin because the rest of our working lives was stretched out in front of us, when the time for dessert came he gave me a sheepish naughty smile as he handed me the slice of strawberry cake, (my favorite) and as I took a big bite I suddenly felt something hard in my mouth, something hard and round, when I spit it out I saw the most amazing beautiful ring with a beautifully cut pink diamond. It was the most exquisite thing I had ever laid my eyes on, I could hardly breathe as I was choked by tears of jolliness and shock. He got down on one knee, very old fashioned I know, but as they say, old is gold. He got down on one knee and recited the most emotional poem that still to this day I have ever heard.

You are the sunshine of my life

From the day I saw you I knew

I knew I never want to let you go

You make me happy like I’ve never been

You turn the worst days into the best

Even birds cannot sing to your unimaginable beauty

I know I want to spend the rest of days with you

I want to spend eternity with you

Will you make me the happiest man to ever be born

Will you marry me..

Now as I look at him in his towel looking guilty, I wonder where that loving, caring, honest man went.

“I’m so sorry Rosie, I didn’t want you to find out like this, I didn’t know you where coming home this soon, I’m really very sorry”. He babbles on as I keep throwing various beautiful things that we bought together during our happier times together. So he is not apologizing because he is cheating on me, he is apologizing for being caught!! Typical men.

When I finally get physically and emotionally drained, I just stare at him waiting for an explanation, so naturally I ask him a question that I think many, many women in the same situation as mine have asked their good for nothing cheating men.

“Why”? such a simple question which could end up breaking up families, causing siblings to never talk and making friends to hate each other for life.

To be continued