Value

All I needed was a minute
A moment in time paused
For you to see me
To love me
To value me

I feel..

Sometimes I feel.
I don’t mean to..
Hell, most times I try not to..
But I can not help it..
When you are near me I feel..
Because you make my world spin a little faster..
Make my dreams seem a little closer..
And then I feel everything..
I feel you deep inside me…
I wish for you to take me..
To make me yours..
Slowly..All day… How ever you want..
But you don’t see me..
Don’t even know I exist..
And it hurts..
It cuts me deep..
Burns like a furnace..
Like you are flaying the skin off my bones..
But my heart doesn’t listen..
When you are around me…
I fall apart…
I can barely breathe…
I still feel too much..

Missing you..

Sometimes I think i’m safely in your arms..
I think my world is completely whole..
Happy even.. 
That I might wake up to see your handsome face..
To feel your soft lips on mine..
Your calloused hands  softly caressing my body..
But then reality crashes down over me..
And i realize that the place where my heart used to reside is empty..
I realize you are nowhere to be found, no longer with me..
And I remember you are a million miles away from me..
And I start to miss you all over again..

Reality…

Sometimes I think i’m fine..
I think my world is completely normal..
Content even.. 
That I might even be happy one day..
But then reality crashes over me..
And i realize the place where my heart used to reside is empty..
All that is left is a dark void..

Ohh Heart.. Why Him..

There is a million reasons why I should not love him..
Why I should not care..
Why I should not long, crave for him..
For his touch..For his kisses..
For his voice..For his love
Iv tried not feeling anything for him..
I have tried to convince myself to move on..
To forget about him..
Because he has probably forgotten about me now..
Probably moved on to the next girl..
But my heart and soul can’t help it..
He is permanently etched onto my heart..Onto my skin
I breathe through him..
I need him…

Sometimes…

Sometimes I look at your pictures..
Our pictures….
Going through each and every one of them..
I have tried to delete them.. I really have..
But that part of my heart that still belongs to you just won’t let me..
One by one..I explore them..
Investigate them..
Looking at happier times..
Seeing a time when you used to adore me..
To still need me..
To still miss me..
To look at me like I was your whole world..
A time when a day wouldn’t pass without you telling me I was yours..
Sometimes memories of us play in my head..
Over and over like a never ending reel..
Torturing my very being..
Because I know this reel will never be expanded..
Added to with new memories..
Sometimes I try to not think about you..
Because when I do I lose myself in an emotion filled tide..
I disappear into a dark abyss of utter pain..
My soul aches for you..
My heart breaks into a million pieces
My body yearns for your touch..
Sometimes….. Just sometimes…
I wish you still belonged to me…

I Long To Go Back…

I wish..

I just yearn..

That I could go back..

Travel back to a time..

When I used to be free..

A time when I used to be brave..

Unafraid to live..

Fearless to explore…

Open to shamelessly love..

Swallow Me Whole…

I feel a darkness..
A darkness within..
Surrounding me..
Like dark poisonous vines curving around a dying tree..
Pain..
Utter and ultimate misery..
Twirls around my slow beating heart..
Swallowing me whole..
Devouring my inner being..

Rattled Soul…

Last night i had a dream about you

You walked towards me barefoot

Twinkles in your warm soft brown eyes

 I worshiped you with my heart

You opened your arms to embrace me

I moved easily into a place i thought home

But it is not my body you hold

It is my tear soaked heart

Devil in disguise you are

Ripped me open you did

As i lay unmoving watching you cackle

As you smash my heart against a brick wall

Watching my heart crack open and drip out

I am left to sorrowfully conjecture

With a rattled soul i shall depart this earth..

 

 

 

Short Story..Broken..Part 4..

I watch him leave the house and I know where he is going, I know he is going to his mistress. How glad he must be that I don’t want him in the house, that I found him with her, now he can do what he wants without having the pressure of hiding it from me, now he can go continue his night of pleasure with her. I walk to the bathroom to prepare a bath, but when I look around the beautiful ceramic surroundings, I remember that they just took a shower together right in here, which is probably not the first time. I wish I could hate him so much, but I simply cannot, it is a man’s nature to cheat is it not, frankly I’m shocked it took him this long. I walk to the guest room and prepare a hot, long relaxing bubble bath, then I sink myself into the hot water and tears finally start streaming down my face. It has been a very long draining day, and now that I’m finally relaxed and alone with my thoughts, I completely break down and I sob for hours and hours until I’m all cried out on my bed alone..

I wake up at five am and just for a moment before I open my eyes I think it was all a bad dream, a horrible nightmare brought by my fear of losing Nick, but my hope is deadly crushed by the sight of the guest room and reality is set deep down in my heart. I spend the following days in a haze of confusion, tears and horrid sadness which hurts physically, tipsy because of all the wine i have been drinking by myself the whole week. After a week of wallowing in pity, sadness,anger and bewilderment, I realize how dirty the house is and i start cleaning everything and this hefty task helps clear my mind. After hours and hours of cleaning, i make something to eat and as i am in the mist of it i hear a heavy knock on the door. With a heavy sigh, i open the door and see Nick standing there with roses and a big teddy bear. The first this that comes to my mind is ” is he freaken insane, thinking that sleeping with another girl can be fixed with flowers and a stuffed bear”!

” Hi Rosie, can i come in? “.. he says with a long face and one of the sexy smirks he used to give me, which is totally just makes me even more furious with him.

“No. What do you want?”.. I tell him with a serious face. He waltz in anyway slightly pushing me aside and just stands there staring at me.

After what feels like decades of tension filled silence, he finally babbles ” Rosie i’m really sorry about what happened, i don’t know what got in me, i was just looking for something new, and i know that’s not an excuse, but i really love you and these last few days have been like hell to me. Its over with me and….. and i’m not in love with her, i love you, please forgive me and take me back.

As i’m looking at his face with tears already streaming down his rosy pink cheeks, i feel a stab of pain mixed with anger and love for him, we get into a rowdy heated argument and once again i start throwing whatever it is that i can get my hands on. With in the blink of an eye he grabbed me in his strong arms and drew me towards him pushing his lips onto mine. I fight him off and even bite him which just makes him kiss me harder as i feel his rigidness poking me in my tummy, after seconds of putting up a struggle i submit into his familiar soft lips and we kiss severely for an obscene amount of time, peeling each other’s clothes as time continues. He kisses my ruffled hair, my cheeks, the nape of my neck and back to my lips again. He then stops, i stop,panting and looking me in the eyes with a questioning look in his eyes, then starts nibbling on my nipples. I want him and i know he wants me. He grabs my ass and lifts me onto his hardness and starts thrusting and panting.

“Ooh Rosie i missed you so much, is it good for you baby? i’m so close” he says, panting and breathing hard.

As i watch him moving and grunting i start feeling sick to my stomach because i just realize that the last time he had sex it was with someone else. Suddenly everything has changed,everything is different, i feel nothing but hate and disgust for him and i cant bear to look at his face.

Next and last part coming soon…