Missing you..

Sometimes I think i’m safely in your arms..
I think my world is completely whole..
Happy even.. 
That I might wake up to see your handsome face..
To feel your soft lips on mine..
Your calloused hands  softly caressing my body..
But then reality crashes down over me..
And i realize that the place where my heart used to reside is empty..
I realize you are nowhere to be found, no longer with me..
And I remember you are a million miles away from me..
And I start to miss you all over again..



Sometimes I think i’m fine..
I think my world is completely normal..
Content even.. 
That I might even be happy one day..
But then reality crashes over me..
And i realize the place where my heart used to reside is empty..
All that is left is a dark void..

Ohh Heart.. Why Him..


There is a million reasons why I should not love him..
Why I should not care..
Why I should not long, crave for him..
For his touch..For his kisses..
For his voice..For his love
Iv tried not feeling anything for him..
I have tried to convince myself to move on..
To forget about him..
Because he has probably forgotten about me now..
Probably moved on to the next girl..
But my heart and soul can’t help it..
He is permanently etched onto my heart..Onto my skin
I breathe through him..
I need him…

Number one….

One day..
One far away day..
one lonely day..
Just one day…
I will finally be someone’s number one..
It might not be today..
It might not be  tomorrow..
Might not even be in the next ten years..
But I have to believe…
I have to hope and pray..
That one day..
Someone will love me enough..
Need me enough…
Adore me enough..
To render me their number one..


Sometimes I look at your pictures..
Our pictures….

Going through each and every one of them..
I have tried to delete them.. I really have..
But that part of my heart that still belongs to you just won’t let me..
One by one..I explore them..
Investigate them..
Looking at happier times..
Seeing a time when you used to adore me..
To still need me..
To still miss me..
To look at me like I was your whole world..

A time when a day wouldn’t pass without you telling me I was yours..
Sometimes memories of us play in my head..
Over and over like a never ending reel..
Torturing my very being..
Because I know this reel will never be expanded..
Added to with new memories..
Sometimes I try to not think about you..
Because when I do I lose myself in an emotion filled tide..
I disappear into a dark abyss of utter pain..
My soul aches for you..
My heart breaks into a million pieces
My body yearns for your touch..
Sometimes….. Just sometimes…
I wish you still belonged to me…


I’m tired…

So fucking tired…
Tired of being good..
Being the good girl..
Being the good daughter..
Being the good sister..
Being the good friend..
Being the good mother fucking girlfriend..
Being so fucking good it hurt..
Making every other sorry soul happy..
While I live in misery..
I’m exhausted…
Of having to be the mature one..
Being the bigger man..
Holding it all in..
While i live in emotional turmoil..
Of being the one who has to call..
The one who has to fix your bloody problems..
The one who has to keep things intact..
Im worn out…
So fucking worn out of being a doormat..
The one everyone wipes all their shit on whenever they please..
Do you know how bloody fucking tiring this shit is…
Im just so fucking tired…

Swallow Me Whole…

I feel a darkness..
A darkness within..
Surrounding me..
Like dark poisonous vines curving around a dying tree..
Utter and ultimate misery..
Twirls around my slow beating heart..
Swallowing me whole..
Devouring my inner being..



Is it possible for your heart to hurt so bad the pain feels physical..
For a heart to actually cry..
For you to feel like there’s a lead weight on your chest…
To feel like you have been punched in the chest….
And that your insides are about to rupture and come out through your mouth…
To feel like someone thrust their hand down your throat..
And started pulling your soul right from within you…